Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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