Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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