So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Randomize
