Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
