So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Randomize
