My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
