my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
