True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
