atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
She needs sedatives and a leash
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
