My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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