I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
