Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
