Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Randomize
