I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I seem to have left my pride at pride
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
