Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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