so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
well I can't set my house on fire every night
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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