onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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