I just pynch a tree in the face
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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