i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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