I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
