i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
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