did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
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