When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
