i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
