We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
