u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
