I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
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