I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
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