ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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