Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I feel like a drive thru vagina
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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