hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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