Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Randomize