between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
