I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
