We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
