Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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