i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
