Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Randomize