dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
