I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Randomize