He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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