Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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