I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize
