Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize