No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
