I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
My hand turned me down
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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