Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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