and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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