Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
there is another microwave in the elevator.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
