in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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