I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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