Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
where am i from again
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I just found puke in my bra..
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize