Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I am available for nakedness
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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