News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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