im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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