new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
If you borrow your friends real doll, should you wear a condom?
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
